The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
