Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
