The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
