I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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