Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
