at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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