If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Randomize
