How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
