I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
