Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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