Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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