hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
