I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
