Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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