Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
