literally had 100 drinks last night.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
