He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
