I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
