Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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