I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
