Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
