i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Help. Why am I so naked?
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