Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
