Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize