i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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