community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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