Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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