Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
