dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
