there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
