I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
