well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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