I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
