I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
