Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
