this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
