I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
