I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
