i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
