I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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