Banned from zoo.
Again?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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