dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
