Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she was so not down for the gang bang
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
pray to the hookup gods
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
