we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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