i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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