I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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