Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
