I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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