I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
