my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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