he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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