Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
