I am puke
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
