Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
3 2 1 whiskey
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
