apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
